


Those Last Words

by lailizabeth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Episode: s12e12 Stuck In The Middle (With You), Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean Winchester, Grieving Sam Winchester, I'm Sorry, M/M, Season/Series 12, Supportive Sam Winchester, Winchester Coping Mechanisms, dean is hurting so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 03:21:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lailizabeth/pseuds/lailizabeth
Summary: What if Crowley hadn't saved Cas from Ramiel and the Lance of Michael?





	Those Last Words

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about writing this for awhile so I just went for it. Basically just me kicking Dean while he's down. Unedited and unbeta'd and honestly I just now even read it over in its entirety and I'm too lazy to fix anything so I apologize.
> 
> Title is a song by High Sunn.

_No. no no no no._ Dean mouths the word, over and over. And then,

 _Cas_.

He's not sure how he got on the floor, how his hands got covered in black sludge. He thinks he's trying to clean it. Off of his hands but mostly off of him. He's wiping it off his shirt and he moves to his face and it's still seeping out of his mouth and he tries to clean it but he's just spreading it more and he can't breathe and

"Dean"

Sam's hands are on his shoulders, trying to pull him away but there's no need because suddenly Dean jumps back and then he's throwing up his meal from that diner.

When he's done, when he's got more of a handle on himself (when he turns his hunter's brain on and turns every emotion off), he takes inventory of the room. Sam and Mary are talking quietly, glancing over at Dean, tears in both of their eyes. Ramiel is gone. Crowley disappeared. Cas is-   
The barn is dark. The air is cool. The ground is hard. They need to go home. At least, they need to go to the bunker. Dean's not sure it will ever feel like home again. He doesn't say a word, just gets up, starts looking for something to cover the b- to cover him. Doesn't say a word, just takes the old quilt he finds and starts to wrap him. It's moth-bitten and too short and it's not fair because someone so pure didn't deserve this ratty blanket and this black goo and this altogether messy de-

Dean doesn't say a word, just goes to pick up the quilt and ignores the shoes sticking out and lets Sam help him carry it to the car. He ignores the worried looks that he knows his brother is giving him and the tears that are flowing freely down his mother's face. He ignores everything and doesn't say a word until they're back at the bunker and then all he says is "We're burying him."

So they do. Sam says something profound and thoughtful about friendship and brotherhood and loyalty. Mary says something about how he was like a son to her. Dean says nothing, because he _can't_ , and as soon as it's over he grabs whatever alcohol he can find and locks himself in his room.

He's downed half a bottle of beer before he even makes it to the bed but it's too late because all of a sudden, he can't keep up the front anymore and he feels everything all at once.

The bottle shatters against the wall before he even realizes he threw it. It must have splashed him, because his face is wet now. And the shards of glass must have cut him through the heart, because it hurts. More than it's ever hurt before

So there's grief.

\---

It doesn't take Mary long to tell him. Sure, she feels guilty and needs to get it off her chest, but there's more to it than that. It's been four days of silence from Dean. He hasn't spoken more than a few words to Sam, even less to her. He's mostly unresponsive, and wholly drunk all of the time. She wants a reaction from him, needs to look him in the eyes and not just see them glazed over. She knows it won't go well, but maybe he'll at least _say_ something.

She corners him when he goes to restock on beer from his stash in the garage (he's already emptied the fridge, and he knows Sam will try to talk to him about feelings if he asks him to go get more), standing in the doorway when he goes to leave.

"Excuse me," he mumbles as he walks past her. She follows.

"Dean, I need to tell you something." He ignores her and keeps walking. "It's about-" "Mom. Not now." "It's about Castiel."

Dean freezes. Swallows. Clears his throat. Not that it stops his voice from shaking.

" _What?_ "

She tells him everything. About working with the british Men of Letters, about her mission, about the double-cross, about Ketch. About why their angel is dead. And she waits.

Dean looks at her with such betrayal and fury in his eyes that she thinks she might crumble. She sees his fists clench and he opens his mouth as if he's about to yell but he pauses and takes a deep breath. His voice is cold and quiet when he speaks again.

"I told you, damnit. I fucking _told you_ not to work with them."

"I know. I'm so s-"

"Save it."

"Dean-"

"And now he's gone. Because of you. Because you wouldn't just liste-"

"Please just let me expl-"

"He's goddamn _dead!_ "

The apologies fall off of Mary's lips as Dean storms back to his room and slams the door loud enough for the whole bunker to hear. It's the first time he's admitted it out loud (it's the first time he's admitted it to himself).

From then on, it's always "Mary," never "mom."

So there's anger.

\---

Sam doesn't mean for him to ever find out.

Everyone grieves in their own way, and Sam is no exception. He grieves by doing what he knows best. Research. So when he finds out one night that they could have saved Cas? Just by snapping that awful Lance in two? He _really_ doesn't plan on telling Dean. It's something that he knows he has to shoulder alone.

Sam Winchester has terrible luck. It only takes two minutes for him to go to the bathroom and back, but Dean decides to choose that moment to finally leave his room and start wandering around the bunker. He finds the open laptop thirty seconds before Sam gets back to the library, and by the time he runs over and slams it shut, Dean has already read enough.

"Look, Dean, I know what you're thinking," Sam starts, because he can't stand the horrified look on his brother's face.

"The- the magic," Dean manages, choking on his own tongue, "is in the craftsmanship. Th- that means-"

"There's no way we could have known." Like that's supposed to help. Like Sam hadn't just shattered what was left of Dean all because he had to go carelessly searching for answers where they didn't want to be found. Dean's face has gone pale and he's stock still and his voice is trembling.

"We could've saved him, Sammy. _I_ could've saved him."

And Sam can tell from the vacant look in Dean's eyes that he won't be able to talk any sense into him right now, can't make him feel better about this. Might not ever be able to. So instead he hugs him, holding him tight and trying to stop his body from shaking.

So there's guilt.

\---

The three words that Dean has been forcefully trying to forget decide to manifest themselves in a nightmare one night, a few weeks after the barn. It starts out the same as it has every night since, with Cas on the floor of the barn, black ooze leaving his mouth while the light leaves his eyes. Usually, that's it. Cas dies and Dean wakes up crying or sweating or both. This time, Cas says,

"I love you."

He wakes up with a gasp and god he wants to scream because why couldn't he just _say it back_. Cas was on his goddamn deathbed and Dean still couldn't fucking tell him that he loved him. And now he'll never get the chance.

So there's heartbreak.

\---

Later, Dean prays.

"Cas I... I know you probably can't hear me, wherever you are, but I gotta say this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't save you. I'm sorry you were in pain. And I, uh, I'm sorry that I didn't say I love you. Because I do. And you deserved to know that. I was a coward and you deserved better than that. Better than me. I know sorry doesn't fix anything, not now, but it's the best I can do. I wish you were here, man, more than anything. Ever since you... Since we lost you, it- it feels like I can't breathe and I guess... I guess I just don't know what to do. I need you, Cas."

\---

Even later,

"Hello, Dean."


End file.
